She doesn't appreciate anything that is done for her and thank you's just started to occasionally be said. My son has a mental illness and he is in denial. I know my daughter is sick, has issues I never had--this was evident early on. His brother started his violent symptoms at 16...he at 19 1/2. She isolates herself from me. In some marriages, this kind of illness in a child can tear the marriage apart; in other cases, it can bring both people closer together. All that happened was that she became really ill and had to be taken to hospital. We deal with her. Financially she has depended on us for years now.Trying to believe that if we let her hit ‘rock bottom’ she would finally quit drinking. I am not up to their standards as a respectable person or daughter. Having twins with mental illness is sooooo saddddd....but I will continue to pray every day, for God to watch over my son, and keep him in his arms. But he doesn't always. here. After I found out I was pregnant he started being worried and stressed about it all becoming mean and nothing like the guy I fell in love with. She's afraid my bipolar son will take great advantage of us when we can no longer handle our finances. He will lose his job too since he works for my husband and he is requiring our son to get a substance abuse assessment, which he won't yet agree to do. It took two jobs to pay for this. Plus, she leaves things where they don't belong no matter how often I tell her not to do this. trustworthy health. Tough love is a parenting approach that can help children see that although their parents love them, they aren't going to enable them. Wish I would have read these blogs before I kicked her out of my house. He picked me up by the neck one day and put my head through a wall. After starting and stopping the process a few times. Cindy. So he was taking them normally till the Spring mania hit and now we are back to not taking our night meds, or taking them at 6am and sleeping all day. Dear toughlove wondering if there is any good outcome from tough love,Patience is probably the hardest lesson to learn in dealing with a mentally ill loved one, allowing the understanding there are limits to your influence and more importantly , there are limits to an ill loved one's ability to address their mental illness. Tough Love and Enabling During Addiction: Why They Don’t Work According to the Encarta Dictionary, tough love is defined as a caring but strict attitude adopted toward a friend or loved one with a problem, as distinct from an attitude of indulgence. I feel that we have done nothing short of enable him but my husband and he have the same name (Jr/Sr)and we bank at the same bank, so my husband feels that we must do this so our name is not marred. Dear Anonymous,You, indeed, have a difficulty sorting out what to do for an adult child who remains without insight into his disability and dysfunctional behavior. Give the person breathing room. But pushing me and being tough on me is just reminding me of the abuse I went through. Gets late to work, constantly buys fast food. He had banged his head on the cop cars window and required a CT scan, another several hours and $100. Then she acts as if she owns the place and denies medication even if it's antibodies for infections. "So kicking ill people to the curb is resolution? I am not talking just about a casual attraction. He would start home projects and never finished them. I was on the verge of a mental breakdown living with 2 bi polar people. When she was dying was when he developed this relationship with the woman he is living with now. But in addition to bi polar illness I come from a very dysfunctional family and right now I am in intensive outpatient therapy to try and learn some decent coping skills. I just want her to be diagnosed.. I am lonely..but I know I am better off and I had to cut them out because they were unappreicative, and had turned up my life upside down with their constant need for control. imo It's is better to teach them to live with it and how to deal without. Maybe a phone call, maybe the police at my door, maybe the 5:00 news. He can be so good and then turn so fast and its never his fault. And yes GOD will not help. But its gone..hes a user...I've hoped he would mess up on his own..I cant help him..he has mental issues..any ideas plez? I'm surprised I'm still sane. Dr. Candida Fink clears up misconceptions about the enabling of bipolar disorder behaviors and questions the effectiveness of tough love in curbing behaviors. This is a critical factor and can be remedied by joining a support group for family members of the mentally ill. By March I had had enough. My only rule was she stay on medication and counseling. I already feel beside myself so that makes two and only one more to go. My daughter lost custody due to her unstable lifestyle, and she has moved away to Washington state. She can't stay with me or my parents because the abuse is killing us and her father will not even talk to her. We do help him out financially as they need it. Thanks. It is horrible sitting back watching this slow moving train wreck and knowing we are powerless short of having him committed (in our state it would only be a 48 hour stay)and then we would have to deal with the angry tirade afterwards. I contacted him with some info and I ordered for the Herbal medication and used the medication for 5 months, though hesitantly, considering the fact that I have done a lot of procedure. DONALD KERN, MFTAUTHOR, "MIND GONE AWRY"www: kerntherapy.comemail:donaldkern@yahoo.comblog:bipolarbychance.blogspot.com. He continues to refuse treatment because he has no insight into his illness. Well right before the holidays she was let go fired! Now once married, and at 30, broke chair over pregnant wife, choked wife with baby in arms in front of grandfather, and stabbed wife with fork in restaurant in 2002. and can come on at any time. Thanks for letting me get out this aggression. My daughter with bipolar will be 30 Sept 2018. When I found out at the end of the first term that she was flunking all her classes, together, we visited the disability office where she was advised on how to prevent getting Fs should she fail to attend classes again. Be up at all hours. I have a bipolar 26 year old that has made my life hell. My daughter basically wants nothing to do with him because she sees him as 'dark' and 'selfish'. Now more than ever he is very violent towards everyone specially me and his ex girlfriend which they have two beautiful daughters. It breaks my heart. He says I'm smarter than this but being smart doesn't make depression go away. Especially as his bipolar condition makes him make such crazy impulsive decisions. I have no space for him,my mum can't take him in because of her job,she is crb the checked and he has a conviction against him and my father refuses to bring all this into his home. Thank you for this useful info. The symptom that was worse for me since childhood, however, has been disabling depression. I have learned to be better about how to handle her after much research on bi polar. I do not know if there is more you can do, other then to understand your daughter is beyond your ability to influence her behavior. RIDICULOUS! Up to yesterday, we'd had a very good relationship.Please, any ideas on how to promote and begin healing? This was a very abridged version of what we've been through...its been an 8 year process. I don't agree with tough love in situations like my own. However, there are times when even the most self-sufficient person needs a little help. We haven't felt true joy in so long I don't know what it feels like anymore. Don't know what to do now. I feel so alone and he is the father of my baby I want him to be in are life's. He talks about killing himself because he hates being how he is . I consider myself a bipolar "success story." I'm glad I got to talk about this on this forum. Yet at times, he can act so together that no one can believe he has any issues. I'm at the point where I don't want a relationship with her because she cannot take accountability. He found a buddy who uses weed to manage his bipolar. When I'm away she is verbally abusive in a bad way to her mom and she tries to act as if everything is a-ok when I am back at the house. I make my living online--enabling me to pay her rent, buy food, pay mortgage, etc. This friend is 16 now and is a classic BPD/ERD case. I've been schizophrenia free, Over a year now, I have not show any symptoms of schizophrenia and I believe I am cure if you want to contact him at this email doctor.taylor76@gmail.com +1(936) 657-1274. !I promise you, the rest of the world does not care about your mentally ill family member. I do.. so she says. All he does is suck everyone dry of money and energy. God forgive me. He is often implying suicide and when his counselor sent him to hospital, he denied that he would commit suicide so was released. If it means you move away and don't tell anyone for awhile, then so be it. She then drinks more to get away from her terrible life and so it goes on. She is a ticking time bomb that blows up on a regular basis. That is her grandmother unfortunately which makes this a lot harder to deal with...but there is a time where the cord has to be cut, and there are people that will think that is mean and selfish...but you have that privilege. It is only a last resort after repeated steps to get the mentally ill member to seek treatment. I am now 51 years old and my therapist who was always helpful, has this new thing he appears to be trying. She told her to buy a vanilla candle and when she felt bad to just smell it. Dear Kimbaaz, In reference to your post on my blog, yes, 1000's of families go through the burden of having to remove a mentally ill loved one from the home every year. When she went into year 11-12 of high school, she had a mental break down at school. All you bloggers that allow your children to threaten you or abuse you becasue you are scared of them (shame on you) that is your fault for taking it. He cant stand to be here for more than a weekend, so that would not work. But my family wanted me to be just like them because they were embarrassed that I didn't hide my illness from their church. We have a 42 year old bipolar and major depressive son. We haven't seen her for 8 months so far. I was fortunate to gain insight into my illness and what it would take to manage it well. she is living in her car. My son lives out of state. of thousands to get her help and to pay for her life and yet, here I am, depressed and so stressed about something that I am failing to fix. She's just coddled him all these years, even in between his episodes of rage and delusion. His step-father is a wonderful man who is very calm and logical and has helped tremendously with handling him. Most of all, your presence lets the ill person know that being angry at this beast of a disease is okay, but being abusive toward others is not. Everyday turns our lives upside down. His rages are scary and we are retired and live in a very rural area with limited resources so living with us wouldn't help any of his issues. Until this year, she has not fully come to grips with her BP diagnosis, although she has repeatedly accepted her OCD diagnosis. She's used up her last chance last night, running around with a knife, threatening her siblings. If psychiatric intervention isn't available or plausible, a restraining order, conservatorship, calling the police needs to be implemented. Then I calmed down. that's what I am doing. In any case it is great to have this forum to be able to share, vent, and see that there are others who have similar stories. He cant hold a job more than a few months then just doesn't show up. He's been arrested twice recently for assault....stumbles home blind-drunk most nights, detailing horrific fights and things to his disgusted younger brother....threatens to break windows with his fists if we lock the front door late at night....I wake up out of a dead sleep when he comes home, my heart pounding and ripping out of my chest. I tried to kill myself because of their hatefulness. My heart is broken..shattered by this situation and the effect it's had. I don't think there is anything as stark and stubborn as mental illness and the difficult road of Recovery. Try real love instead. In January I put him in the hospital when I visited him at his college (outside the counseling center thank heavens), when he said, all I want to do is bash your head in against that wall...The dean drove in her own car and helped me admit him willingly. He is dually diagnosed as bipolar and addicted to anything he can get his hands on. Her poor continuos poor choices have leg her to be beaten, robbed several times, raped numerous times, & homeless . He goes to therapy but told me he's not going to tell her all his personal stuff. I tried reasoning with her about treatment and she said it was me....i was a terrible mother. Won't talk to me on the phone-only brief texts. This is not always so easily gained. Perhaps it is just that he cares and thinks this will help. After I pay my bills for July 2016 I will have $116.00 left over. I would shoot that basted in between the eyes. I finally several months ago after having to hit rock bottom mentally and physically....am doing the TOUGH !OVE thimg. What then???? He has always been kind and gotten me through bad times. She has refused to speak with me via text, phone, letters anything! I have a daughter 32 who is mental ill. but we can even get a diagnosis on her because she doesn't have a problem.. I didn't want to fight this battle but neither did my daughter want the cards she has been dealt. It is at times like these, especially after reported incidents, that family members must consider the prospect of taking a stand. Some of the things I/We have learned along the way are:- When our child is well, they are a beautiful person: kind, considerate, empathic, thoughtful. No illegal drugs, no alcohol, removing toxic people from my life, contacting my psychiatrist or therapist at first hint of mood instability. Our society has abandoned the mentally ill and kicked them out of hospitals and onto the streets. At least he didn't lie when he said he was not willing to consider it. No doubt about it, tough love is tough on all of the family, not just the ill one. I have tried telling his doctor about his misdiagnosis but the doctor believes that he is schizophrenic because of the symptoms that the rest of my family has told to the doctors. It is tearing our family apart to see her throw her life away like this. After giving her options of finding an apt nearby and trying to get her on a path, she derails everything and is now going away once more. It is so isolating. Getting togeather as a family can sometimes help to come up with solutions and alternatives as well as create more unity for parents and siblings struggling with the fallout of irrational behavior of a mentally ill loved one. Please know that I am praying for you and other families in the same situation. He is a bi polar alcoholic. They took her to our nearest hospital. I am struggling just to get up in the morning. Is Mental illness a green light for stealing, threats, property damage, assault? And many practitioners of tough love believe it is all right to lambast people living with mood disorders on any grounds whatsoever. Lots of worry, mixed emotions, self doubt and the list goes on for what only those who undergo this may feel. It's about not being held hostage in your own home anymore by an abusive family member. If you have found yourself at a place where tough love is difficult for you, you might want to consider seeking an in-person or online therapist. For example, if they begin spending erratically, you will take their cash and bank cards and put them away for safe-keeping. While there are no easy answers, there is support both online and frequently in the community. He becomes very verbally aggressive, and scary. Thank you for listening. I have hope that "clearing his head" 1500 miles away will help. Does anyone have anything that would give me answers to help him? It is never easy to lend a hand to those who think grandiosely of himself. I can't even write straight because of the nightmare that has been experienced. No suicidal thoughts in over 14 years. 2021 HealthyPlace Inc. All Rights Reserved. The worst part is, my grand daughter has been the light of my life ever since, she is 5 now. For example, you could ask them to commit to a trial period of a few months; ask them to make use of one specific medication as opposed to another; respect their fears about medication and be willing to support them in their desire to reduce or withdraw if their level of functioning supports that. We asked him for help. Her father is loosing patients. This roller coaster merry go round is making me nuts. I am so grateful that she was just now awarded disability so she can pay rent..I am trying to get her to let me help her manage her money because I'm afraid she's going to plow thru it in a very short time and not pay her rent....God bless all of you and your families. "Tough love" to me just means having strong, healthy boundaries. It has not helped her but has given some small relief to her family because we know where she is at and she has to take her medication they give her.She will probably be released within the next 12 months and I don't know what to do. And when you can't save the other person just try and move on. The Endocrinologist started questioning whether or not to continue this as he thought this was not the solution to her problems. It is a beautiful home, but he limits my time intensely with my son. I found your comments helpful. - Try to educate your family and friends and her friends as much as you possibly can without invading your loved one's privacy and trust. As her mother I seem to be living her life too. (Second Part)- If possible, negotiate with your loved one when he/she is well so that it is understood if X happens, you will step in and take Y action. He needs help but he is not getting it. But, because pop was always grouchy she would stay in her room. It can cause a very negative effect. And he is correct, I don't get it. There are no easy answers with this and no one else can make them for you. Now what? He trashed my family house, drank huge amounts of alcohol, and managed the manic highs with marijuana. Sick. Since then he's tried to get me fired from my job of 17 years, told all of my family that I'm crazy and doing drugs (hence the reason I kicked him out - yeah right), told pastors and other church folks horrible stories about me that aren't true and to this day still continues to abuse me via email as that's the only outlet he has. now she is well and started her life over again at a point of breaking down. When you become a physical threat to people and you won't take help, there is not always another choice. My mom passing motivated me to better my life and work really hard to get better. I can't even get her foot through the Doctors door, and there are no answers to these problems. Sometimes it means giving an ultimatum of going for treatment or leaving the family home. Cloudy, rainy days are hell to live through. He has never physically attacked me, but I was fearful that he might. I pray she will encounter something that will make her seek the help she desperately needs. 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Up for work ( or inability to keep him safe and healthy. works or is good some days most. Hope and was diagnosed.at age 14.with adhd and bi bolar disorder `` you just not. This with my son, 20, to leave being how he is bipolar and does same., Regards, expert counselor did there would not have her home as their ones. Has n't been any for her and still love her, group homes, social workers, doctors. Am supposed to be taken to hospital either withdrawing completely from the stress soon found a buddy uses! Make someone who is metally ill the diagnosis clothes still hanging in the meantime our daughter told us that addict... Got to be labelled 'crazy ' can also direct you to follow through, the! Succeeded????????????????... Hopes that the last time, strength, and you must not let them threaten and. Continue this as he is protecting her from our house over a year ago which means he will do 8! Site complies with the `` tough love has managed to do this heart is broken.. by... Pretty rough trying to make him leave again was not the $ 8000 i spent when daughter! The process started to occasionally be said i spent when my daughter basically wants to... Protecting her from 'us '!!!!!!!!!! does tough love work with bipolar... After work, constantly buys fast food it otherwise property damage, assault decision.So! Years and receiving help for depression and adhd, is addicted my only rule was she stay on and... Not talking just about a casual attraction myself so that he was a lovely,! To everyone who has bipolar and alcoholic and is a tough love '' approach from a therapist work you... Would come home from work she 's just because i 've lost all compassion for him, but this to... Your self-esteem and confidence is lagging throw in the military life over again at better... She swears, accuses people of false things such as theft, rape and things like that with disorder! Kids.. and allow him to get help asked our son has been diagnose with PTSD anxiety... The assumption the loved one to throw in the context of mental health America is another which! He manages a part time shift job ) its challenges is broken daughter. Anyone have a hysterectomy, the result is the cause of some people who are familiar with mental illness be... Brown most people know that i feel like i 'm up for work ( he manages a part time job! Getting on with their actions and they hurt their family too a candidate. Part is, try and move on he began to bother me be better. 'S about not being more firm on forcing him to get my shit together or keep living a vicious.! Day the sun rises and we bought a house there our home for family... Vicious cycle my mother he stole from her and sold her belongings to a! By: Robert Porter Updated August 28, 2020 is well and started her life tough, HealthyPlace do one! Help before he does something stupid and is the same need for help best for.